WHEN WE ARE HURT
Thursday, September 20, 2012 § Leave a comment
The hardest moment to invest vulnerability into a relationship is when we are acutely hurt. That’s also the moment with the potential for the biggest pay-off. When we are hurt, our instinct is primitive: fight or flight. If we can create some space for our response, we can find courage for vulnerability.
The flight response is to disappear, or to quit internally, maybe dissing the partner/the boss to other people, while just running through the motions. You know the couple that keeps saying “I love you”, when you happen to know that at least one of them is fuming inside; or the colleague who tells you every day how much they hate their job, while their boss knows them as all smiles.
The fight response is to attack the person that you see as having hurt you. Some attacks come dressed up, wanting to seem like they are investments. Maybe you are asking your partner to go to therapy together, or you are going to your boss’s boss to provide feedback, or you are writing a long letter that describes your understanding of past situations, or maybe you cry. Likely, the strongest message your partner/boss receives from all of these is: “my hurt is your fault!”
The fight response is vastly better than the flight response. Attacking still disguises your hurt, but it gives your partner a better chance of recognizing it. Hiding your pain beneath a veil of normal makes it much harder to spot.
Growth of your relationship can only occur though, when you are sharing vulnerability.
If you are checked-out of your relationship, your friendship, or your job you ought to start by growing a pair.
If you are in attack mode, you are still invested. Then stop searching the faults of the other person, but contemplate instead further why you are so hurt. Communicating that is vulnerability. That creates the chance for resolve and growth of the relationship.
If you are not willing to do that – then that’s on you!
“YOU ARE AN SOB AND I AM DONE TALKING TO YOU”
Thursday, April 12, 2012 § Leave a comment
Bringing a bunch of people together that agree on everything can be fun, but we know that it’s not what will make the team win the innovation prize. On the other hand, bringing a group together that is at odds with each other appears to bring about a lot of friction and little to show for it.
So when putting our team together at work or at play, we often opt for the easy-hopping-consenting-team [pink quadrant]. How many of your friends have a different political leaning, or view on food, spending money, religion, raising children, making money, gay-marriage and Israel-Palestine?
But, agreeing on things going into discussions doesn’t create a learning and growth opportunity. Can we have discussions that are fun and challenging?
Yep! Take shared values + different views points!
If we feel comfortable with each others’ values, our different approach, background and knowledge become an asset, as we exchange each others’ different insights and develop new thoughts. [blue quadrant]
If we distrust each others’ values, the different viewpoints become a threat and the discussion cannot become constructive.
Conclusion: Establish shared values and motivations and assemble groups with vastly different points of view.
I DON’T HAVE TIME TO…
Monday, March 12, 2012 § Leave a comment
“I didn’t have time to…”
“I wasn’t able to…”
“I didn’t manage to…”
…is never true.
A: “I didn’t have time to do X.”
is short-hand for
B: “I didn’t set my priorities such that I accomplished X.”
It is largely understood that we mean B, when we say A. It nevertheless is not at all the same.
A is passive and avoids the idea that we have a choice in the matter. “I really wanted to, but I didn’t have time.” We might hear back, “oh poor you, you must be so busy.” A is more comfortable, because it is convenient to think that we didn’t have a choice and if it wasn’t our choice, nobody can blame us.
B is the harder path: First, we have to confront the fact that ultimately, we are making all choices in our lives. Second, it breaks with convention and confronts the recipient explicitly with the fact that we chose not to make time. It’s not just harder for us to say, it’s also harder for the recipient to hear.
If you don’t allow yourself to say A, you will find yourself reconsidering your priorities and who sets them. And where you are communicating your priories, you will find a refreshing honesty in your relationship – something to build on.
Business Buddhism 