WHEN WE ARE HURT
Thursday, September 20, 2012 § Leave a comment
The hardest moment to invest vulnerability into a relationship is when we are acutely hurt. That’s also the moment with the potential for the biggest pay-off. When we are hurt, our instinct is primitive: fight or flight. If we can create some space for our response, we can find courage for vulnerability.
The flight response is to disappear, or to quit internally, maybe dissing the partner/the boss to other people, while just running through the motions. You know the couple that keeps saying “I love you”, when you happen to know that at least one of them is fuming inside; or the colleague who tells you every day how much they hate their job, while their boss knows them as all smiles.
The fight response is to attack the person that you see as having hurt you. Some attacks come dressed up, wanting to seem like they are investments. Maybe you are asking your partner to go to therapy together, or you are going to your boss’s boss to provide feedback, or you are writing a long letter that describes your understanding of past situations, or maybe you cry. Likely, the strongest message your partner/boss receives from all of these is: “my hurt is your fault!”
The fight response is vastly better than the flight response. Attacking still disguises your hurt, but it gives your partner a better chance of recognizing it. Hiding your pain beneath a veil of normal makes it much harder to spot.
Growth of your relationship can only occur though, when you are sharing vulnerability.
If you are checked-out of your relationship, your friendship, or your job you ought to start by growing a pair.
If you are in attack mode, you are still invested. Then stop searching the faults of the other person, but contemplate instead further why you are so hurt. Communicating that is vulnerability. That creates the chance for resolve and growth of the relationship.
If you are not willing to do that – then that’s on you!
ARE YOU WORTH IT?
Thursday, April 19, 2012 § Leave a comment
Everything that is true for the briefing business – see post below – is true for personal relationships as well. It’s no good to get all huffy puffy about disappointed expectations that were never articulated in the first place.
You act and feel like a douche/bitch though if you set-out your demands on what needs to happen for you to be satisfied and happy.
“Jump up from the sofa when I come home and look at me admiringly!”
“Buy me expensive things for my birthday!”
“I am your best lover ever! In fact, forget that you ever were with someone else.”
“If push came to shove, I could take him.”
“Never tell your stupid shrimp joke when we are with my friends.” (Lady is coming out of the grocery store, two big shopping bags in her hands. A man in a trench-coat steps out in front of her. He opens his coat and is completely naked underneath. She stops in her tracks and says, ‘Oh! I forgot the shrimp.’)
“Never wear socks in bed!” (if you are not German, you might not have heard that one.)
The business briefing (see post below) that sets all sorts of rules is useless if it doesn’t also address the emotional subtext of the task. The same is true for articulating personal expectations. The example demands above are a cop-out. If you want your emotional needs met, you need to bare exactly those needs, not some stand-in behavior rules.
Baring emotional needs is a scary business. It requires you to inspect your insecurities and then to share them. If you find friends and partners that respond positively, you’ve got yourself a keeper and are building a rewarding relationship. If you don’t invest that vulnerability, you are wasting your time.
Business Buddhism 